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Rindu malaysia – [kisah dunia]

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Rindu Malaysia

Assalamualaikum kepada semua readers IIUM Confession. Sebelum saya mulakan cerita marilah saya perkenalkan diri dan latar belakang dahulu. Saya merupakan seorang pelajar tahun ketiga di sebuah universiti di USA. Dah dua tahun tinggal di sini, lama tak jumpa parents dan rakan2 baik. Rindu nak peluk mak dan ceritakan semua pengalaman kat sini tapi apakan daya.

Apakah yang berlaku sehingga aku sedih? Semuanya bermula pada semester Fall 2016.Sudah menjadi kebiasaan bagi pelajar luar negara apabila rakan2 sama batch itulah keluarga kita, yang mana member cam keibuan/kebapaan sikit tu memang pada dialah kita nak mengadu tah ape2. Dan acapkali setiap orang pasti ad beberapa rakan yang sememangnya geng . Merekalah yang tahu sume baik buruk kita, geng makan kat restoran baru, geng berjalan, geng jimba dan lain2 lagi. Aku pun ada member macam ni. Tapi tanpa sebab dan penjelasan korang da tinggalkan aku dengan sengaja secara terang.

You guys went to have new adventures, adventures that we talked about together without me. You went to that new restaurant that I introduced you to and had plans to go together without me. You guys did a lot of stuff that we used to do together, without me. And now you plan on going to Europe, a dream that we shared not too long ago, without me. Do you know how much this hurts me? I am in pain and I cannot talk to you about it because I know somewhere somehow you guys stopped caring. We used to share things with each other that no one knew about, but now when I meet you on the streets, you greet me with stern coldness and indifference. You talk to me with a tone people use on strangers.

I remember our birthday celebrations this year. I baked cakes for both of you because that is who I am. I cook for the people I love and you are lucky to be those people. And I thought you loved me too. But I guess not when neither of you remembered my birthday. Even when you knew you decided to ignore it. You bought gifts and cakes for other people, I thought you would do the same for me. But you have forgotten about me like you forgot the piece of gum stuck to the door. Mungkin readers rasa, remeh betul budak ni punya masalah, tapi seremeh mana ianya tetap menyakitkan. Perasaan ditinggalkan orang yang kita sayang.

Where have our friendship gone to? Did I do something to have hurt you that I do not know about. If so please tell me. Dont go around treating me like a stranger, like an outsider when we used to have so much fun together. If you guys dont want t be friends with me anymore, just say it out loud and tell me why. Perhaps I could understand. Dont treat me like I dont have feelings. Because I do and they are hurt because of you. You guys are like my family in this foreign country, but you have abandoned me. The worst part is I have all this sadness in me, I have all these things that I want to talk about, but I dont have anybody to talk with. I had you and now you are gone too. Nak cakap dengan parents x boleh, sebab kita xnak mereka risau, lagi pun jarak tersangat jauh. At times like this I only need a hug and someone telling me its gonna be okay and that theyll be there when I need them. I dont have that. Sebab tu lah aku kat page ni. X nampak da kat siapa lagi nak luahkan.

Belajar di universiti di mana komuniti Malaysians semuanya ada group masing2, teramat sukar untuk kita cuba masuk group orang. Bila jadi perkara macam ni, di mana group aku sendiri membuang aku, terpaksalah kita berseorangan. Study sesorang, makan sesorang, waiter tu pon da knal muka aku mmg dtg sesorang, sewa kete dan drive ke Chicago sesorang cos apparently you dont have any friends. Everyone has a limit that they can withstand and Ive reached mine. Loneliness kills you from the inside slowly. The spark you had will die out and darkness creeps in. Masalah ni, bercampur dengan masalah belajar, stress and bermacam lagi can push you off the cliff. Jujur aku katakan aq pernah terfikir nk overdose pil sbb aq penat sangat. Aku penat belajar, penat kerja penat nak hadapi drama hidup.

Walau sekarang pon pukul 4 pagi menangis sesorang dalam bilik, buat confession kat page yang dulunya tak pernah terlintas nak menyumbang, botol pil tu tenung je muka aku. I am tired and I just wanna sleep. Please just let me sleep. Astaghfirullah. Mungkin ramai yang rasa, budak2 belajar overseas ni untung, macam2 pengalaman best mereka dapat. Tapi percayalah sebesar mana untungnya kami besar lagi dugaan yang perlu dihadapi. Aku faham sangat kenapa pelajar di Perancis itu hilangkan diri. Kita masih mencari diri sendiri, tetapi berjauhan dengan keluarga, jauh dari orang yang betul2 sayangkan kita, itulah dugaan paling sakit. Kalau aku belajar kat Malaysia dan kawan aku tinggalkan aku, aku xkan sesedih ini. Because a mothers hug heals all ailments. Mummy, nana rindu..

Sekian,
Hati yang sedih.

Mochi

Sumber & Kredit: iiumc

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